Masochistic Deipnosophist Report: Week 1

Be Thrilled!

Greetings, from your computer to mine. Welcome to the first week’s recap of the progress of what is, by far, my worst idea yet; My Masochistic Deipnosophist Experiment!  Having chosen to abstain from food and drink that begin with the letter ‘C’, I appear to have signed my own death warrant as it were. Living without Coffee and Chocolate is like dying of thirst while slowly floating off into the vast ocean, and trust me I’ve tried everything short of injecting it into my veins.

My nightmare of waking up with a mouthful of coffee grounds and a bed full of cracker crumbs has yet to be realized, but I’m not ruling it out yet…

For the last two days I have been chasing kindergarten children around at the Science Centre, trying to teach them about the wonders of science (palaeontology to be specific) and all they seem to want to do is play in the sand. I don’t know how so much energy gets packed into such small versions of people, but it does, and by noon I’m craving a coffee more than I have in my entire life. I might have to adopt the practice of Red Bull if this keeps up.  After the whole ordeal, on this gloomy day of all days, I escaped and experienced an intense moment of weakness. I unconsciously gravitated towards the nearest Timmies and ordered a coffee, only to learn that it’s ROLL UP THE RIM! Ahhhh! I am abstaining from coffee during the single best time to be Canadian in the world!  A time where the whole purpose in our lives turns towards achieving that climactic moment of rolling up that coffee cup rim with your teeth, and witnessing purest success!  If you are from elsewhere in the world and haven’t the faintest idea what I’m talking about, you can learn via a quick Google search, or here:

National Pastime

What I have set out to do, has turned into blasphemy…the only way around it is to be glad they serve tea, but it’s just not the same.

The anatomy of desire is something I’ve been paying close attention to over the past week. Desire has the capability to become amazingly intense when you refuse your body something you really want. This, from experience, results in fixation and obsession. If left long enough, the majority of the eventual pleasure of the experience seems to come straight from the act of submitting to the desire, and not the actual object you fill it with (Undiagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder or caffeine dependency anyone?). You may think it’s the coffee your body wants, but when you experience an intense and pleasurable wave of relief the second the aromatic steam crawls up your willing nostrils, it’s definitely a desire that originates in your mind, and not your body.  As someone who is pretty used to giving herself what she wants, this is going to take some serious getting used to.  All valid sacrifices towards self betterment! (I hope…)

"But I miss you Hailey..."

Turns out this experience so far has let me pay a lot closer attention to what is actually in and around the foods I eat. Can have Sushi, but not with Crab, or “Can I get that not on a Ciabatta bun?”,  “Seriously?”,  also, “I’m allergic to foods that start with the letter ‘C’ is not a valid response upon further questioning, although rightfully hilarious.  And finally, as the cherry on top of the delicious mountain that is my pain, everything else in the world of mediocre dining has cheese in/on/around it.  How do you lactose intolerant people cope with the world!!

One week down, and several more to go. When my limbs begin to die, shrivel and fall off of my body I’ll be sure to take pictures.

And, of course, the big question: Do I feel better yet?

Small answer: No.

Wish me more luck.

-Miss Hailey Jane


3 responses to “Masochistic Deipnosophist Report: Week 1

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