A Moment in Time

On a day in the past, in some far away place, I sat down and recorded one of the strangest feeling’s I’ve ever experienced. Here is what came of it. 

~Well, this is it. My luggage is checked, my croissant is eaten and my coffee, drunk. I’m getting on that plane and I feel absolutely terrible about it. To add insult to injury my luggage was overweight by four kilos as well. I feel as if this moment, here and now, outside this coffee shop, is one I’m going to be  thinking about for the rest of my life.

If the Universe had’ve wanted me to stay then something life altering would have happened, wouldn’t it? Thus the reality of the impending life hangover is slowly being realized. I’m like the grasshopper that sang all summer, there is music to be faced and who the hell knows how it’s going to turn out. I promise you it’s not going to be pretty.

The goodbye-texts have all been sent, you feel empty and alone, and when you heard that strong Canadian accent at the check-in desk it shocked you, it upset you, you don’t want to go home.

The third time’s the charm they say…Ughh this feeling is awful and it’s only going to get worse. It’s an intense sick feeling, my stomach turns, my head throbs, the sadness has penetrated my every extremity. And the worst part of the truth of the matter is that it’s going to be me walking myself onto that plane, it’s all my doing…all me…only me.  GUILT. I’m the only person letting myself feel so much like shit. Forever the eternal masochist.

But you see, if you’re miserable your whole life you’ve got nothing to compare it to so you essentially become exceedingly content. But when you punctuate your life with intense bursts of extreme happiness it makes the majority of the rest of it seem meaningless and excruciatingly terrible. Once you’ve been blinded by the light you can no longer live in the dark.

These happenings reveal to me who I really am, what I really want. Here I am real, elsewhere is all a mirage that I’m forever blundering about in, waiting to see the desert hiding underneath it.

Phooey, I should really go through security sometime soon, I don’t really want to, have no urge to get up out of my seat whatsoever at the moment, I feel drawn to this here (rather uncomfortable) seat, as if there is a heavy weight pulling me towards the centre of the earth from the pit of my stomach. But I figure it’s best to do it, and do it like a bandaid…quick and painless, except it’s going to be eight and a half hours of pulling at tiny hairs before it’s all over, so maybe not so painless after all.

Man Up!….GOOOOO!….DO IT!

Maybe I’ll just buy a book first… I like to pretend I have willpower sometimes….~

-Miss Hailey Jane


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