OR : That Awkward Moment When You Visit England and Bring Canada With You.
On my first visit, following my Ron Howard experience, it quickly became evident that I was not blending in with the natural fauna as seamlessly as I had hoped. Being a native of Canada (not to be confused with a Native Canadian) I innocently and unknowingly carried with me micro-organisms that were not at all familiar with the locals either.
Having the immune system of a gutter rat, I had no inclination at the time that I even had a cold, or was in the process of getting over one. My health throughout the entire endeavour was peachy, if not ideal. Over two decades of Canadian winters plus their accompanying flu seasons, had prepared me for just about any pathogen life could throw at me. Would that the poor people of Britain had been so lucky.
And thus my hitchhiking super bugs were having a field day.
Over the course of two weeks I managed to infect several individuals with my special foreign brand of plague, that hit them harder than they ever could have expected. These included my friend and host, her roommate, the man with the lovely shoes, my other mate who I was visiting as well as several other acquaintances along the way. I’ll never know, but I’m sure not even Ron Howard could escape the oncoming storm that was Typhoid Hailey.
To make matters worse, I also carried with me the forces of Storm, and rained (or rather snowed) bloody chaos on the whole of Southern England overnight.
Being the end of November at the time, this madness wasn’t entirely expected and the country’s snow removal service was dire to be as generous with the word as humanly possible. Many operations were shut down, including schools, trains, buses, libraries (why exactly the library was closed due to weather conditions I’ll never know) all because of no more than three or four inches of fluffy white loveliness.
Cars without snow tires (which is all of them) spun their tires on the roads, slipping and sliding up and down the hills of small towns. Roads weren’t cleared, and people were frequently inclined to get out and push their tiny, snow-tire-less vehicle out of the way. Shop owners who were ‘brave’ enough to face the weather and open their shops were pushing the snow off the front steps with an inverted broom. Eventually the city began to sprinkle a muddy reddish-brown combination of sand and salt in random areas so people wouldn’t slip, but it really just looked like a very large incontinent dog had a run-in with a truck full of baked beans and subsequently ran all over town in search of a loo. I couldn’t help but laugh at the entire situation.
If I get around to visiting again this winter, this time I’ll remember to pack a few extra shovels, snow tires and a whole bunch of Advil Cold and Sinus. See, I care. xx
Thanks again to everyone who keeps up with me and my (now slightly dated) adventures! You’re all really awesome people!
-Miss Hailey Jane