Category Archives: Masochistic Deipnosophist Experiment!

Masochistic Deipnosophist Experiment: Wrap Up

Well, it’s been a long 40 some-odd days, but I survived.  My days of abstaining from foods that begin with the letter ‘C’ have ended, and will never, ever start up again.

Ideally, the goal was a better sense of self, increased level of health and just feeling better overall. So, did I achieve this far-flung goal?

On the SFU Wellness Quiz that I started my quest with and re-took again today, I seem to have slightly improved in the emotional department, resulting in a passing grade! Woohoo! (I hate failure…).  Though I fear the spiritual section of my life isn’t getting any better anytime soon, the minor improvements in the career area, including two job interviews and some time spent working for the family boosted my overall score a little.

My Final Wellness Score: 38/70 (Units of wellness??)

Everything else remained the same. The test itself isn’t detailed enough to measure the effects of a diet including a drastic reduction of caffeine, but I am spending significantly less money at Starbucks which can’t be a bad thing!  (Needless to say that first French vanilla coffee with whipped cream after however many days was etheral bliss).

I did miss out on a lot of chances to win a car, or television, or camping supplies, or assorted confectioneries from Timmies…but when I think about it…I don’t really need any of those things…Tim Hortons just makes me think I need them so I buy more of their burnt bitter, water soaked in coffee grounds (Yes I’m a coffee snob…get over it).

As for the food factor…Things I found I missed most of all were: Chilli, Crackers, Cookies and all those other snack foods that start with C.  Snacking on nuts really doesn’t cut it some days.  I also missed out on doing a lot of my own baking. Making my homemade cookies, cakes, crisps and so on… turns out to be a bigger part of what I do for fun than I thought. A certian someone and a slew of his coworkers also missed this significantly.

I gave up on avoiding cheese early on, because I am not a god.  And chocolate was deemed a necessity by my gentleman, because with out it “I’m intolerable”… Which worked for me.

So overall, I survived. I feel pretty much the same, weigh the same, and do pretty much the same things. But I may try to keep some of the good habits I established, and not just throw them out with the bathwater.

My next quest for self-betterment will hopefully begin again soon, and will definitely involve world travel, because it’s been almost a year since I’ve been anywhere and I’m in need of a new adventure! Suggestions on a destination will always be greatly appreciated and taken sincerely into consideration. 🙂

Thanks for coming along!

-Miss Hailey Jane

I Just Can’t Do That Today

Sun hides behind fog

Leaves float in tepid water

Flavonoids: day’s peak…

As a rule I generally prefer hopeless optimism to being an unjustified cynic, but I’m not perfect.  Let’s just say my “Fake Lent Plan” is wearing on me.  A mini-update on that front, I’m  not doing terribly well across the board but certain things are still holding on. Coffee has become a mythical creature at the moment, like unicorns and dentists. And I’ve been doing rather well in avoiding it altogether.  Chocolate, also not so bad. there were a few moments of weakness but for the majority it’s been out of the picture. Where the major issue lies, is surprisingly in cheese. Damn cheese, it’s bloody well in almost everything! So I can’t really say that I’ve been abstaining from it completely.  I’m not sure if I’m feeling at all better yet, I mostly just have increased levels of guilt. But I guess that’s what them Catholics like to do. So that’s my mini update for now. Stay tuned for the official final update in a few weeks.

For now, a poem.

I Just Can’t Do That Today

I want to write happy and beautiful things about different people, my life, and about the world. I want to have a new exciting story for you all that will knock off your weekend socks.  A story that will change your life and make you feel the need to tell all your friends.  I want to shake the world, but I can’t do that today.

I want to blind you with excessive happiness, overpower you with hope and enthusiasm. I want to make you smile, and have you believe you can achieve everything you set your mind to. I want to fill you with all the knowledge you need to answer every question you will ever have, but I can’t do that today.

I want to tell you where to find the meaning of life. The place where all your dreams will come true and where you will find everything that you need to achieve perfect happiness in your life.  I want to introduce you to the person of your dreams, or a person who will change your life forever. . But I can’t do that.  Not today.

I want to feed you if you’re hungry, and bring you joy if you are sad. I want to sew the hole in your heart and I want to make you realize you’re not really mad.  I want to be there if you’re lonely, take you far away from your pain.  Help you with your spelling, and laugh with you over again. But I really can’t do that today.

And just because I want to be a good person doesn’t mean I really am… I just can’t do that today.

Miss Hailey Jane

Masochistic Deipnosophist Report: Week 1

Be Thrilled!

Greetings, from your computer to mine. Welcome to the first week’s recap of the progress of what is, by far, my worst idea yet; My Masochistic Deipnosophist Experiment!  Having chosen to abstain from food and drink that begin with the letter ‘C’, I appear to have signed my own death warrant as it were. Living without Coffee and Chocolate is like dying of thirst while slowly floating off into the vast ocean, and trust me I’ve tried everything short of injecting it into my veins.

My nightmare of waking up with a mouthful of coffee grounds and a bed full of cracker crumbs has yet to be realized, but I’m not ruling it out yet…

For the last two days I have been chasing kindergarten children around at the Science Centre, trying to teach them about the wonders of science (palaeontology to be specific) and all they seem to want to do is play in the sand. I don’t know how so much energy gets packed into such small versions of people, but it does, and by noon I’m craving a coffee more than I have in my entire life. I might have to adopt the practice of Red Bull if this keeps up.  After the whole ordeal, on this gloomy day of all days, I escaped and experienced an intense moment of weakness. I unconsciously gravitated towards the nearest Timmies and ordered a coffee, only to learn that it’s ROLL UP THE RIM! Ahhhh! I am abstaining from coffee during the single best time to be Canadian in the world!  A time where the whole purpose in our lives turns towards achieving that climactic moment of rolling up that coffee cup rim with your teeth, and witnessing purest success!  If you are from elsewhere in the world and haven’t the faintest idea what I’m talking about, you can learn via a quick Google search, or here:

National Pastime

What I have set out to do, has turned into blasphemy…the only way around it is to be glad they serve tea, but it’s just not the same.

The anatomy of desire is something I’ve been paying close attention to over the past week. Desire has the capability to become amazingly intense when you refuse your body something you really want. This, from experience, results in fixation and obsession. If left long enough, the majority of the eventual pleasure of the experience seems to come straight from the act of submitting to the desire, and not the actual object you fill it with (Undiagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder or caffeine dependency anyone?). You may think it’s the coffee your body wants, but when you experience an intense and pleasurable wave of relief the second the aromatic steam crawls up your willing nostrils, it’s definitely a desire that originates in your mind, and not your body.  As someone who is pretty used to giving herself what she wants, this is going to take some serious getting used to.  All valid sacrifices towards self betterment! (I hope…)

"But I miss you Hailey..."

Turns out this experience so far has let me pay a lot closer attention to what is actually in and around the foods I eat. Can have Sushi, but not with Crab, or “Can I get that not on a Ciabatta bun?”,  “Seriously?”,  also, “I’m allergic to foods that start with the letter ‘C’ is not a valid response upon further questioning, although rightfully hilarious.  And finally, as the cherry on top of the delicious mountain that is my pain, everything else in the world of mediocre dining has cheese in/on/around it.  How do you lactose intolerant people cope with the world!!

One week down, and several more to go. When my limbs begin to die, shrivel and fall off of my body I’ll be sure to take pictures.

And, of course, the big question: Do I feel better yet?

Small answer: No.

Wish me more luck.

-Miss Hailey Jane

The Masochistic Deipnosophist Experiment!

First things first. To be clear, I am not and have never been close to being a Catholic. I have never supported organized religion, what it teaches, what it stands for, and mostly how it treats people.  But something about the idea of testing your own limits with the ultimate goal of understanding yourself in a small way appeals to me, so let’s say I’m coming at this tradition from a psychological, health and scientific standpoint.


This year, to support my Man I’m going to join in on the quest for “self betterment” through abstinence, and give up something for the better part of a month and a bit, but mostly to see if I can do it. It’s an exercise in Will Power!

To decide which thing to give up was rather tricky. Clearly couldn’t be anything sex related, or else I might die. But to just pick some small petty little thing also defeats the purpose of the whole process, It should also be just quirky enough to satisfy myself as well, so when my idea came to me, I was proud yet also slightly terrified, which I assume is the right feeling that something having even the tiniest origin in a religious organization should give you.  So as of today, I am giving up foods that begin with the letter ‘C’. But not for Lent…for Fake Lent. Which from this moment on will be called “The Month of the Masochistic Deipnosophist”, meaning, the month of “I hate myself, but I am the master of my culinary domain”.

Doesn’t sound so bad, right?…foods with the letter ‘C’… Well, I started compiling a list of ‘OFF LIMITS’ foods and it began to get scary rather quickly. Not only is my beloved and sacred coffee on the list, so is the vital and life-giving force of chocolate! Turns out I might die from this after all. But I’m too far in at this point to quit now. I keep writing….Cake…Diet Coke…Cheese…Caesar Salad…Chips… The good news is my health ought to greatly improve by the end of the stint, that’s for sure. But I was starting to worry, I can’t omit things like Carrots…I love carrots and they’re perfectly good for you…so are cucumbers, celery, cabbage, cauliflower, corn, and cranberries. I knew what needed to be done. I created an Exemption category, and would permit the ingestion of a limited selection of ‘C Foods’. But that amendment still didn’t quench the fear in my gut of waking up in the middle of the night with chewed coffee grounds in my mouth and cracker crumbs in my bed.

I then decided it would be best to make my actual options more tangible, rather than focusing on what I had to avoid. I wrote the “In The Event Of A Choice Induced Panic” List. Reminding myself of all the other foods I enjoy and am able to cook while adhering to my fake rules.

Here are my final lists!

My Fake Lent Plan!

AKA. The Month of the Masochistic Deipnosophis

For the next month or so, I will no longer eat foods that start with the letter ‘C’

Including but not limited to:

Cake (Doughnuts count as cake!), Cupcakes, Cookies, Chips (both potato kinds), Candy, Chocolate*, Hot Chocolate, Cocoa, Coke, Diet Coke, Cola and Other Carbonated beverages, Cinnamon, Crackers, Coffee*, Cashews, Cream, Ice Cream, Cinnamon Spread/Toast, Sugar Cereal, Cheese (Grilled, stuffed or in any way excessive…If it’s just on top that’s ok), Caramel, Caesar Salad, Chicken (Fried), Chick Peas, Chilli, Coleslaw, Croissants, Croutons, Chinese Food (Take out).


Carrots, Cucumber, Celery, Cherries, Whole Grain Cereal, Cabbage, Cauliflower, Chicken, Corn, Couscous, Cranberries, Crustaceans, Curry.                                                                            

*Unless completely and utterly necessary

In the event of “Choice Induced Panic”, remember you like:

Pasta and Mushroom Marinara sauce, Spag Bolo, Oatmeal, Yogurt, Toast, TEA (So drink lots of it), Milk, Sushi, Rice, Risotto, Roast Beef, Potatoes and Gravy, Baked Potatoes, Meat Pies, Soups and Fresh Bread, Biscuits, Muffins, English Muffins, Beans, Taco’s with Salsa, Eggs (Scrambled/Omelette), Peameal, Pulled Pork, Turkey (Breast or legs), Green Salad with Peppers and Tomato Dressing, Spinach and Mushroom Quiche, Shrimpies, Stuffed Peppers, Stir Fry (Beef or Chicken Breast), Thai Food, Indian Food, Brownies, Pie, Apricots (fruit in general), Fruit Salad (Melons, Grapes, Berries, Apple, Pear, Nanners), Duck?, Fish? (Talapia), Lamb, Veal, Sausages, Nuts (Excluding Cashews), Pizza (w/o cheese), Bruschetta 

I’ll tell you, making the panic list was a lot harder than I thought it would be…A LOT of ingredients begin with ‘C’.

So that’s the plan. I will update weekly on my progress and share my pain. As I’m sure you can see, there was another amendment involving the complete necessity of coffee and chocolate, but I will do my best to steer clear and find happy alternatives.


I have outlined the parameters of my experiment, My hypothesis is that I will feel better physically and emotionally after the duration of the experiment, and will measure that by taking a “7 Dimensions of Wellness Quiz” from Simon Fraser University that tests your overall wellness in seven dimensions of your life, Environment, Physical, Financial, Emotional, Spiritual, Social/Cultural and Career.  I will do the test both pre and post test phase, then compare scores, and a Post Hoc in the event of significant change in results to determine direction and magnitude of the change.

Pre-Wellness Test  32/70 ….(OUCH)



– Miss Hailey Jane